Sometimes people end up being so concerned about protecting their egos, saving face, avoiding embarrassment, (their pride is so much more important) that they forget to be kind or decent to members of the opposite sex/ dating partners…
What is it about our self esteem that is so easily triggered by a member of the opposite sex -that we happen to find attractive???
We hopefully have learned better behavior–but in our knee jerk reaction to what we perceive as rejection, we end up behaving badly. We also end up assuming the worst and avoiding direct communication. Then there is that lovely passive -aggressive behavior. 🙂
No matter what happens, wouldn’t it feel better to take the high road and actually continue to be nice to each other. No games, no running away. If you are in doubt, ask. If you’re afraid of the answer—well that is an issue in and of itself, don’t ya think?
Vulnerability takes courage.
So this is something I have noticed with my clients=
When a date decides that there is no chemistry, i.e. a big SPARK, after their first meeting, they tell me and I relay the information.
The men brush it off, with almost no reaction, and say, “ok, NEXT!”
The men seem to not take it personally as I teach everyone, it either works or it doesn’t–you are either someone’s “broccoli” (type) or you are not. Some men do ask for clarification or even constructive criticism (feedback) but most do not. Does this signify true confidence or indifference?
Women, on the other hand, tend to take it all very personally. Sometimes, even if THEY did not like the guy that much! Seems like a waste of energy, right?
I think everyone should get a healthier reaction to what they view as personal rejection. Energy, chemistry, your taste buds etc–you cannot shift how someone reacts to you. So many different layers/ things to connect on–but sometimes chemistry is elusive no matter how fabulous each person is.
I would like to say that almost all dates do tell me that their match was smart, funny, interesting, kind, great conversation–before they tell me there was no spark. 🙂
Thought for the day 9/14/16
If you think there are no good quality singles for you to meet, I believe that comes true for you. Your negative expectation works against you. Like most self fulfilling prophecies.
I expect to draw amazing people to me, and that energy works for me in Flirt as well as my personal life. People tell crazy stories about online dating, but my FLIRT dates tend to be with really quality people. Successful, confident, happy. And the number one request from clients= DRAMA free. I love that!
So maybe go out into the world today expecting to meet someone really cool, really sweet, special–and they will be oh so happy to meet you right back! xx
9/12/16 FLIRT DATING
Some complaints from dates:
He showed up wearing flip flops.
He ordered a Riesling and doesn’t drink red wine at all.
She needed a new outfit.
She needed to do something different with her hair.
He talked about himself non-stop without asking me anything about me.
She needed to lose a few lbs.
He needed to lose some weight.
He decided not to drink any alcohol that evening.
He was not tall enough.
She was too short for me.
She did not dress feminine enough for me.
The list goes on and on of course…some seem ridiculous. While I understand chemistry is either there or it is not. But you have to ask yourself: Do you go into a date looking for the things that are wrong (in your opinion) or things that don’t measure up to your ideal list? Instead of trying to truly connect on a human level and understand who someone is and what they have to offer–whether it’s a long term potential or not. It seems writing people off so quickly based on superficial judgment seems like YOUR problem. Find something wrong with everyone, then you don’t have to even try. You don’t have to risk getting involved and therefore never get hurt yourself.
A LITTLE ADVICE 9/7/16
Don’t take it personally. Don’t spin it around in your head.
At this age, why do you care so much about what other people think of you? Life is too short to spend time lamenting that your date does not want to spend a lifetime with you. It’s not the end of your world.
We all have opinions based on our own experiences. We all have a taste for things/ people we like. Some people like broccoli or spinach while some people can’t stand either. You can’t make someone find you esthetically pleasing. 🙂 You either mesh with a person or you don’t. Romantically or platonically.
Don’t go changing to try to please them! Be YOU! Unapologetically YOU!
Texting with Someone New
So when you meet someone you are excited about, you want to keep connecting and also getting reassured that they like you too. So the texting begins….
When too many texts are sent, you can get overwhelmed and wonder a few things about this new person. Do they have a life, are they super needy, insecure and needing constant attention? The attention at first is fun but then it’s too much–and then they get mad when you don’t respond with the same enthusiasm and you think, “omg–we just met.”
So if you ARE this overly excited person, please chill the hell out. Getting excited about someone is great, and if it is unusual to meet someone who wows you then your overzealous behavior is somewhat understandable, but this other person you are texting does not know you and they can view this behavior as kind of crazy. You don’t have to express every feeling you are having all day to let someone know you are interested. You risk having them run away from you.
Some people will ask me if playing it cool is playing a game, but in the beginning there is a balance. So be calm. 🙂 One guy said to me the other day that it is hard to figure out this balance of too much attention vs not enough. Communicating your feelings in a conversation is key, I believe.
In my last beautiful relationship, I was so excited and he seemed cool and calm so I asked point blank what he was feeling and he said, “I am trying really hard to balance between over-zealous and cool.” And I said, “That doesn’t work for me–just tell me! And he said “Ok, I think about you constantly and can’t wait to see you again.” And then we both sighed with relief and started our beautiful romance—because we were both on the same page.
So check in and make sure you are both on the same page at the same time…some people will be slow to profess their feelings; you will have to be patient and cognizant of their fear of getting hurt or going too fast. Everone has a history that affects their current behavior.
I told my recent prolific texter to relax….he got really defensive at first but then understood that it was his initial excitement about me and then his subsequent fear that led to his asking for constant attention and reassurance. But also he just really likes to connect with me–it is something fun and yummy in an otherwise boring or stressful day of work. So no one ran away out of frustration. We cleared the air quickly. We stated our intentions, feelings, the “why” of our behavior.
The key again is BALANCE and open, direct communication.
Good luck! 😉
FLIRT EVENT 2015
Happy to report 4 successful Flirt dates this week so far. One guy said about his date, “She is funny and gorgeous and all the other things I asked for.”
One couple said their second date was spectacular–She told me the first date was fantastic!
One cutie (early 30’s) said about his date, “GREAT conversation. Spot on personality match–exactly what I am looking for.”
Apparently lots of numbers were exchanged at the FLIRT event Sat night–please report to me privately how they all go… So happy for everyone!
One client took me out just to tell me thank you for coaching him into dating success!
I am on a roll…. Remind me to get everyone to write me their testimonials!
Have a super FLIRTy day! xoxoxo
I am so happy, I can barely contain it! Last night was AMAZING! Liz says over 100 people showed up! She is still counting. (Let the record show that only 36 pp rsvp’d yes)–There were so many new gorgeous faces! Flirt demographic got definitively younger last night! 🙂 I will work on recruiting more young men to meet that demand for the girls.
Thank you, Liz! You are the best partner in crime EVER!
I appreciate you all so very much for inviting your friends and telling people about it. Best compliment for a business=referrals. Love you all for that!
So I heard you all were talking about my face last night! My serious, focused little face….so let me explain. I am WORKING! At every event I have, I take personal responsibility. I want everyone to have a great time and meet true matches–to get the most bang for your buck. And I know many of you and what you like and who is a good match long term for you so I want to connect you with the right people. I also want to help all my little wall flowers who are more shy. So that is my focused face. You can continue to make fun of it!
Everyone seemed to have a great time! But I did hear that some women were not especially nice to some of my guys. And if I find out who you are, you will suffer my wrath. It is a singles’ party so everyone should be kind and welcoming and polite. Not dismissive or bitchy or snotty. That is simply not allowed.
My intention is to help you all find love. To help you get past whatever is in your way. Even if it’s your own stuff that holds you back. Fear is usually the culprit–fear of rejection, fear of talking to a stranger, fear that no one will ever accept you for who you are….and the list goes on. What I do with FLIRT is help you overcome the fear. So last night was a great start for many of you and I am proud of you all.
So thank you again for all your kind words and support. I love my beautiful friends who told me they were proud of me and impressed with my success. Thank you for that! That made me elated last night. I love you all! xoxoxo
Event on 6/17/15
Dr. Carrie & Healer JoshuaBringing Fun Back To Dating: Creating Romantic Partnership In the Modern Age
Here’s more info on our AWESOME friend Tawni Blake.
FLIRT is a dating consultant service owned and run by Tawni Blake. FLIRT has big, fun parties for singles to match up. Tawni has had FLIRT for 8 years and has a huge database of fabulous single people in Denver. She does dating and flirting workshops, as well as one on one coaching. FLIRT does matchmaking of course, but Tawni does not just match you up with people in her FLIRT database. She and her staff go out and “hunt” for the perfect matches for you. And then you will be provided with detailed feedback from your date so you can learn how you are presenting yourself to the opposite sex. FLIRT helps you overcome your dating obstacles and teaches you optimize your time when trying to meet new people. Tawni also takes her clients out on the town to “hunt” with them. The feedback from FLIRT clients is always positive and such a fun experience for everyone. Dating made easy!
How is this for a mission statement?
FLIRT accepts clients who are serious about evolving…who are working on self-awareness and emotional availability. Must be whole! And not looking for another half to complete you.
Confident, happy, active. And POSITIVE!
Trite but TRUE
Trite but true=If you spend all your time purposely feeling lonely, lamenting that you are single, thinking everything in your life would be better if you found someone, then you are radiating negative energy. And it will be clear to others that you are not happy with your life. So why would anyone be drawn to you if you think your life is empty or meaningless without a partner in it?
Get happy with YOU! With your life. With what you already have and create more for yourself. Find your own joy, the things that make you love your life. And then someone will be really interested in what YOU have to offer.
Stop looking for your answer in another person. Be your own solution and choose someone who is also already healthy and WHOLE.
Even more trite: “Don’t be a broken half looking for another to make you whole.” Look at how this NEVER works long term.
It is simply a quick fix and you feel better until you have to drop your facade and show them who you really are.
Marriage is taught as THE societal goal. Family pressure compounds this idea. And people so very often succumb simply to please others and inevitably end up trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Then they bring kids into the dysfunction. Sigh…. Disaster ensues. Endless cycle of emotional crap basically.
Get healthy before you try to find a committed relationship.
It is your choice to make the day beautiful–to deflect negative energy.—Maybe you could choose instead to connect with and help those people who clearly are feeling disconnected, lonely, or just sad. You can choose to NOT take it personally when someone says or does something that could possibly make you feel bad–their behavior has nothing to do with you–they have their own battles/issues. And maybe they are asking for help or attention. And you can help and still not let their negativity affect you.
There are lots of rescuers in relationships. It makes people feel good to help others, but at some point, you realize that you are the only one participating in giving/helping and you are not getting anything in return. People will suck that energy right out of you. I have clients who stayed in unhealthy marriages and even friendships for many years getting depleted. Be aware of how people make YOU feel when you are around them. Choose better for yourself.
Surround yourself with positive influences/energy. Be a good friend or partner–but do NOT take on someone else’s problems like they are your own. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost so you have enough to give to others. Start with your physical health. When you are feeling bogged down, weighted down by the world, remember to check in with your body–health and wellness, fitness,
11/5/14 What Women Want
There was a scene in a movie once where Robert Redford’s character talks about seeing a pretty girl on the subway that he wanted to talk to but was too shy as a boy to do so. When he gets off the subway, she looks right at him and flashes him the biggest smile as the doors close. He goes back every night at the same time for two weeks but never sees her again. He says that not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about her and that missed opportunity. He did not have the confidence to approach her, and with that smile she told him that she wished he had.
I believe this happens all the time, men wishing they had the courage to talk to a beautiful stranger. Women wishing they would!
Women want men with confidence. It is at the top of their list of requirements. You must set aside weakness and fear and just go for it! Even if you are not her cup of tea, she will appreciate the compliment of your attention. No cheesy, cocky lines are needed, just a sincere and warm greeting. “Hi, I couldn’t help but notice that you look amazing in that dress (or shoes, or whatever).” While in line at Starbucks, why not offer to buy her a cup of coffee. We are dying for men to be men and step it up, take charge, and say hello instead of shyly glancing repeatedly at us in the Whole Foods check out line.
And here’s the key, do it as if it doesn’t matter what her response is. Some people like brussel sprouts and some people don’t! So just because you are not her particular flavor does not mean you won’t be delicious to another woman. Don’t take it personally. NEXT! There will always be another cutie to talk to. Practice makes perfect! Flirt until it becomes effortless. You will be so confident, you can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime with no obvious nervousness, no desperation. You are a modern man, a gentleman first and foremost. You are always polite, sweet, attentive, and courteous. But BRAVE! Women notice these men.
Confidence is the sexiest thing about a man. It is the key in business and in dating. Even if a man is not classically handsome if he is well dressed, in great shape, and moves with ease, a woman will find him extremely appealing. Women look for strength, mental and physical, it is a primal desire. Women are drawn to men who react as if they can handle whatever comes their way. It is very sexy! And reassuring. We want you to be able to take care of things, just like men did back in the day protecting us, providing for us, keeping us safe. We are strong now too, but we still want you to be stronger.
So be direct, communicate, be open. If you are attracted to her, tell her! If you want a second date, ASK! Open the door for a stranger, make eye contact, smile, shoot her a compliment like, “You have such a pretty smile.” Get her attention with ease.
The modern man goes after what he wants without hesitation, but in a respectful way and he is not put off by rejection. So go for it. You get one chance. Live your life with no regrets. Don’t find yourself wishing you had what it takes to talk to the pretty girl. Just do it!